Saturday, April 3, 2010

JUST JUMP-RUN-OPEN!

Alright -- My new neighbors are HORRIBLE. I called the police and a male about 28 got arrested for kicking the door down and smashing car windows. It's supposed to be safe here...
-Anyway, more about the OCD.
I need to stop:
1. Hair pulling
2. Door checking
3. Locking doors
4. Laundry washing
5. Killing myself thoughts/what if's & overdose
6. Kitchen knife visions
7. Bad thoughts about driving off the road
8. Confusion about religion/life on earth
9. I NEED TO STOP THINKING LIKE I DO.

Thoughts are thoughts, they're not real! I need help to overcome this, I need a lot. Mostly from myself, I need to be more determined to get over this. I will, with time. "Time heals everything" -Remember that one. The hair pulling is driving me off the wall. OFF THE WALL! It's been 7 years and I still do it, more than ever.
What do I mean by "killing myself thoughts/what if's & Overdose? Last summer, I was very close to overdosing on my medication because I was so severely suffering with my OCD. It's a pain, a big pain. DON'T EVER OVERDOSE. "killing myself thoughts" It's often that people with OCD see themselves killing another or even themselves. For me - It's myself. I have visions in my mind of killing myself. "JUMP-RUN-OPEN" I have had thoughts about... Jumping of bridges, opening car doors and jumping out, running in front of cars while they drive by, and a many, many more.
While I was hospitalized I was more depressed than I thought was even possible. My thoughts were so intruding... Thoughts that came to mind were "Why not die now, life is all too predictable." I was extremely terrified by my thoughts. I was scared I was actually going to kill myself. I made friends at the facility that I still talk to today! Making friends who have issues and problems just like yours helps so much! I recommend to anyone -- if your OCD is as bad as I have explained, the facility is so welcoming... they help A LOT. If you have any questions, just message or comment below. Thanks for reading. :)

Why

It's so beautiful outside today, not a cloud in sight... On the other hand -- I'm exhausted... I didn't fall asleep until 5 this morning. I forgot to take my medication yesterday & today so, I'm a moody one. I'm so sick of a lot of things but I just have to cope. I can't wait to start working next weekend... BUT -- My OCD is killing me... it truly is. WHY ME? I hate the way I think, it's horrible. Yesterday while driving I was terrified. All I could imagine was a tall man in a black coat walking in front of the car with a gun. My mind runs non-stop. It never gives me a break. What will it take? I miss life when it was easy and it was care free living. I don't know... I'm going to go do some research on a bunch of stuff. Even though that will make my mind run more -- I need answers.

And I'm back just 2 minutes later...

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND.


WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!??!