Wish it was raining

I don't know what I need anymore.
just another day in this same old town...

I really hope I get into Stoneleigh, I need this.

Aarg.

This Trich Disorder is driving me off the wall today. It's NON-STOP. ALL DAY... URG. Life has been so complicated for the past few weeks. Drama, Drama, Drama. I'd like to get away from all of it. I'm overwhelmed with school, so much to do. I need to focus on school, and just school. Like that'll happen. I get destracted a lot. So-- I'm job hunting. I DESPERATELY NEED A JOB. A paying one of course. I'd love an internship... that'd be awesome. BUT, I need pay. Today was boring and too much to handle. I'm going to take a nap. I'll write later.

Judged?

Just forget this post.

Hospital

So, It's day 2 at the Psych unit. I don't know exactly how I feel -- more of a blank feel. I have Bronchitis also. I sound like a loud screaming animal. I feel like my "friends" aren't exactly caring... But, I guess that's good for the future because I won't give them what they don't deserve anymore. (A good friend) I know I can get better. I just wish people would show up during visiting hours. I just watch everyones friends and family come. Noble Hospital isn't as nice as Parker North was. Golly, I just need my life back. I decided that I am going to save up more money now so I can get a better car. There's a lady here, I feel really bad. I think she has an eating disorder of some sort from her ex-husband. I wish she could get better. She gets sick after she eats pretty much every time. Men... SUCK. I can't talk well because of the Bronchitis... It's hard because I want to express my feelings more. I don't know. This will pass.

No school, Again

I'm an honor roll student. Besides my shop. What kind of teacher talks behind her students backs TO OTHER STUDENTS. I really wonder what she says about me. Because I could give that lady a mouth full. She seriously needs to learn about respect. This is the real world, not some make-believe talk shit about whoever kind of world. I'm so depressed right now. I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed. Gosh, What am I supposed to do? Concealed to this little house, I have nothing to do here. I'm so stuck on to the past. Everyone tells me to just let it go. I TRY, I REALLY DO. Do people not see that I'm trying? Because I'm putting a hell of a lot of effort into it. I bend over back just to let go of the people who meant the most to me, everyone walks away because they can't understand. I'm tired of people thinking it's effortless going through what I go through. You know, try being me for a day. Live through my whole life and tell me your happy. I seriously wish people would understand more. I feel so sick of it, I don't even want to eat. I can't, my body is just not in that state of mind. I've lost someone so important to me, I can't even bare to think about it. It brings me to tears every time I think about how I went wrong. You know, I sure didn't go that wrong because I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm going to be successful and I'm going to show all of them... I may seem weak inside but I'll be one of the most strong adults they've ever seen. I'm going to 18 and I feel like I'm already 30 they way I think. I want someone to be by my side who can actually know where I'm coming from. Gosh, when will this end?

Trichotillomania

IS HELL.


In other words, every person with it has a STORY and within that story are the seeds.


GOSH, How I could go on forever.

I'm falling, falling, and falling

It's about time I've listened to my iPod. My anxiety reached the top today, my depression was so intense. I remember being 9 years old... I was at the mall with some family or friends. I was walking past the glass where you can look down to the next floor and imagined if I jumped off. Ever since, I have never walked on that side. I see that image of jumping every time. My therapist says thats typical for someone with OCD. Today was more of an inner struggle that I hid from everyone around me. I visited a private school today, I had a campus visit. It was so incredibly nice -- too bad my mom won't support me. Well after that intense session of anxiety someone close to me got in a car crash. These things just never stop. There's always a problem in my life. I hate the way I think, I REALLY do. Some people would call me crazy and others would say I'm completely sane. I'm like a 30 year old 17 year old. I can talk to older people and they're completely comfortable talking to me like any other person. I know that it's not because I make myself seem older -- but it's because people like to confide in others who can relate to the struggles faced my whom ever. I think I want to meet someone who wonders all the same things I do... Like about life. That would be a miracle. My problems wouldn't haunt me so much. Well, Sorry I couldn't write better. Babbling happens when I'm exhausted! I'll write tomorrow.

I'll always keep my head up

Lately -- I've been taking a lot of crap from a lot of people. It's like their goal is to bring me down, to dig a whole and put me down low. I'm fighting on a battlefield all by myself and it's taking a hell of a long time. From now on, I'm going to do things for myself. Today my mother was extremely disrespectful which of course isn't unusual. I'm tired of the words that she throws at me without caring about my feelings. Her words are so harsh, I can barely believe they are actually coming from her mouth. I'm an hour away from home, and I wish it could stay like that but HA like that would never happen. I'm glad to have my friends back that have apologized for completely misunderstanding me. As for the ones who keep throwing dirt in my face -- Oh well, their loss. I'm not going to let them walk all over me. I'll keep a smile on my face and never drown in their misery. I'll write a little later.

STRESS, NOTHING BUT STRESS!

I haven't been paid yet... still. THIS WHOLE CAR THING IS DRIVING ME NUTS! BUT -- When I want something this bad, I don't give up. I can't wait until the day I can just walk away from my mother when she's putting me down. Sometimes I feel I should be the parent in this house. After all I've been through, I think it's about time I get a car and start doing things for myself! Because they won't get done if I don't start doing so. I really want to go to a boarding school next year for mentally challenged teens but my mother won't support me at all. I'm trying SO hard to get on my feet. I think I'm going to e-mail someone from one of the schools because there is no way I can get there on my own. I'm confident in saying that I can get over this, even though it is extremely difficult. I don't know how I'm going to do any of this YET, but I'll get back to you! :) I'll write later!

Untitled...

I quit my job. I'm super depressed lately and my suicide thoughts are coming back slowly. I've been having a lot of headaches and dizziness takes over once in a while. WHY ME? I'm so tired of this being sad, ocd, depression, anxiety. I wish I didn't know what any of them meant. I'll write more tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, maybe even the next. I'm in no mood to do this.

JUST JUMP-RUN-OPEN!

Alright -- My new neighbors are HORRIBLE. I called the police and a male about 28 got arrested for kicking the door down and smashing car windows. It's supposed to be safe here...

-Anyway, more about the OCD.

I need to stop:

1. Hair pulling

2. Door checking

3. Locking doors

4. Laundry washing

5. Killing myself thoughts/what if's & overdose

6. Kitchen knife visions

7. Bad thoughts about driving off the road

8. Confusion about religion/life on earth

9. I NEED TO STOP THINKING LIKE I DO.

Thoughts are thoughts, they're not real! I need help to overcome this, I need a lot. Mostly from myself, I need to be more determined to get over this. I will, with time. "Time heals everything" -Remember that one. The hair pulling is driving me off the wall. OFF THE WALL! It's been 7 years and I still do it, more than ever.

What do I mean by "killing myself thoughts/what if's & Overdose? Last summer, I was very close to overdosing on my medication because I was so severely suffering with my OCD. It's a pain, a big pain. DON'T EVER OVERDOSE. "killing myself thoughts" It's often that people with OCD see themselves killing another or even themselves. For me - It's myself. I have visions in my mind of killing myself. "JUMP-RUN-OPEN" I have had thoughts about... Jumping of bridges, opening car doors and jumping out, running in front of cars while they drive by, and a many, many more.

While I was hospitalized I was more depressed than I thought was even possible. My thoughts were so intruding... Thoughts that came to mind were "Why not die now, life is all too predictable." I was extremely terrified by my thoughts. I was scared I was actually going to kill myself. I made friends at the facility that I still talk to today! Making friends who have issues and problems just like yours helps so much! I recommend to anyone -- if your OCD is as bad as I have explained, the facility is so welcoming... they help A LOT. If you have any questions, just message or comment below. Thanks for reading. :)

Why

It's so beautiful outside today, not a cloud in sight... On the other hand -- I'm exhausted... I didn't fall asleep until 5 this morning. I forgot to take my medication yesterday & today so, I'm a moody one. I'm so sick of a lot of things but I just have to cope. I can't wait to start working next weekend... BUT -- My OCD is killing me... it truly is. WHY ME? I hate the way I think, it's horrible. Yesterday while driving I was terrified. All I could imagine was a tall man in a black coat walking in front of the car with a gun. My mind runs non-stop. It never gives me a break. What will it take? I miss life when it was easy and it was care free living. I don't know... I'm going to go do some research on a bunch of stuff. Even though that will make my mind run more -- I need answers.

And I'm back just 2 minutes later...

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND.

http://blog.cleveland.com/health/2009/02/cleveland_clinictested_device.html

WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!??!

Rain, Rain... Go Away!

So of course it's raining... STILL. (If you couldn't get the hint from the title!!) It's so annoying. The rain ruins everyone's moods and such. I'm not going to write about what was said in previous blogs. Today's just going to be some personal venting and ... well, rambling! Need that once in a while! I'm happy to say -- I've made a lot of new friends by going to a new school. All my old friends are still around... Besides the one's I've decided are best if blocked out completely. And only because they don't understand the real me, The Jessica they look right through. I used to go to a local high school but recently transfered to a near by vocational school where I take Design & Visual Communications. I LOVE IT! If you have OCD, I definitely recommend venting your all into art.

-- I found this article on another blog site...

"Scientists have long studied the link between creativity and mental illness, and the lines between the two are often blurred. Studies suggest that creative people often share more personality traits with the mentally ill than “normal” people in less creative pursuits. One Stanford University study compared patients with bipolar disorder with a group of healthy people. They found that graduate students in creative disciplines shared more personality traits with the bipolar patients than with their healthy but less creative peers, according to a study published last year in The Journal of Affective Disorders."

I can agree with this article! Because OCD and other mental illnesses cause depression, people are often very outspoken. I myself, as an aspiring graphic designer can relate to this. I create art at my worst, I vent out every last bit of fear -- sadness -- anger -- etc... Art is an amazing get-away. My art was posted in 2 newspapers while I was running in a scholarship competition, check it out below!

http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs461.ash1/25335_416280393760_523108760_5187622_4676355_n.jpg

http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs491.snc3/26856_437765073760_523108760_5349507_2967784_n.jpg

----

I am SO happy I started this blog. It helps tremendously! I'm so eager though, waiting for someone just like me... I can't wait! Other than my Cognitive therapist or my Psychiatric therapist -- I want to meet someone who actually has the OCD and suffers from all the same. I am well-aware that there are many! Don't be afraid to open up! Opening up is the best way to over-come this! That's why I've finally decided to do so!

Do I need to be hospitalized?

OCD occurs in two to five percent of the population, and is the fourth most common psychiatric diagnosis. The majority of OCD patients who have not experienced symptom relief may have not received adequate trials of appropriate medication and/or behavioral therapy. The remainder typically do not respond because of poor treatment compliance, unrecognized cognitive impairment, co-occuring psychiatric illness or poor understanding of treatment. Adequate treatment for OCD often requires that medication trials be longer than those for other psychiatric illnesses. Additionally, while behavioral interventions are time- and labor intensive, frequently requiring close supervision and support.

-I myself have been hospitalized for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was in the hospital for 7-8 days. It was one of the most difficult times of my life. My family did not visit even once. I have to say -- it was the best decision I have ever made, even though my parents probably will never forgive me for it. I could not go outdoors for all of the days I was a patient. I went through group therapy and made a few friends. It was life changing. If you think your OCD is overwhelming to the point where you can't cope with it, call your doctor/therapist and consider a mental facility for a few days or weeks.

I went to the mental facility and learned a lot. I ended up in a mental hospital because of my situation... My life, I felt, was falling apart. I felt verbally abused and left out the world. I thought "I'd rather be dead than here right now." The intrusive thoughts were mind-boggling. I couldn't bear anymore. I have to agree that the first day is always the most difficult. By the 4th day, you don't want to leave. The doctors and employees will be incredibly kind or quite pushy and rude -- ignore them, half of them don't know what you're going through but they pretend to....

"It's call progress, not perfection" (Nurse always said that to me)

A little different than my typical blog...

Even though I'm in school -- I'm still going to write. I hate school, not because I don't do the work, I'm an honor student... But because no one here understands the pressure I feel. OCD is an anxitey disorder, when put on the spot I often feel anxious and very uncomfortable. My teacher gets to me sometimes when he tells me to not be nervous. I wish I could be comfortable with my environment but not here.

Do you fear death?

"I don't want to kill myself, but I fear that I might. I hate taking the Tube for panic that I will leap in front of a train, and won't cycle any more for fear that I will deliberately crash into a bus or car."

polkadotshoes I saw this post on a webpage after searching for answers. I have a the same fears, I always thought I was alone until I decided to do some research... I'm not alone... A Necessary Solution to OCD Thoughts and Behavior - Challenge the Fear! "Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourages; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable." - Harry Emerson Fosdick "I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life-specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far." Erica Jong "Kill the snake of doubt in your soul, crush the worms of fear in your heart and mountains will move out of your way." Kate Seredy "Do what you fear and fear disappears." - David Joseph Schwartz "What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it." - Krishnamurti - I'm so glad to hear that others have the same thoughts as I. They're terrifying, and they hurt your inner-self. OCD is extremely difficult to over-come but with the help you can do it. I never thought so but trust me... After the first Cognitive-behavioral therapy session a little "light bulb" like feeling changed my whole thought process. I went to see a new therapist a few days ago-- "It's like when your body tells you to jump off a cliff but you don't want it, it's like you can't trust yourself." I couldn't believe that those words actually came out of her mouth. I felt for once in my life, I had help. I had help to overcome this awful thought process. If you have any intrusive thoughts, tell someone. You're not alone. I have had many thoughts of killing myself, even though I know I WILL NOT. It's the most scary thing that you could go through. The visions of killing myself definitely helped myself grow up a little bit. "Ignore Unwanted Obsessions. View them as random, intrusive, unwanted thoughts that go running through your brain to which you have attached meaning. Treat them as a rude, unwelcome acquaintance that comes to call without an invitation that you have no obligation to give them time of day. Tell yourself, "That is just a silly thought; I won't give this nasty thought free rent in my brain. I won't allow myself to entertain such thoughts." Remember, thoughts may come in, but you don't have to give them permission to stick around and run your life!" -Michael Jenike, MD Medical Director Diane Davey, RN, MBA Program Director Don't keep it to yourself, tell someone as soon as possible.