Untitled

I'm so depressed today.

Everything happens for a reason...

Well, I have to say my anxiety is kicking in a lot. It's not really a bad thing this time because it's just me being nervous over stupid stuff. I almost stayed home alone tonight... I'm too scared to have a repeat of one night last year. Completely had a mental breakdown, I hate thinking about that night. I want a good friend, someone to run to when I need to talk. Someone who knows where I'm coming from. So much, that they almost know what I'm thinking. I'd love a friend that could help keep my head held up. There's only a few people who I could see myself confiding in. They're just not close people.

Going to HCC in September is going to be AWESOME. That is if these essays get in ha. I love writing though, it's one of my hidden hobbies. OK -- enough babbling. Good night :)

What am I.... Not good enough?

I didn't get into Stoneleigh-Burnham School...
After ALL of that AND I DIDN'T GET IN! He made me drive all the way there again so he could say "You're amazing, you have a great head on your shoulders... I wish you came to us four years ago" -- BUT YOU DIDN'T GET IN BECAUSE YOUR TOO OLD.

GRR.

On to the next option, Community College.

Wish it was raining

I don't know what I need anymore.
just another day in this same old town...

I really hope I get into Stoneleigh, I need this.

Aarg.

This Trich Disorder is driving me off the wall today. It's NON-STOP. ALL DAY... URG. Life has been so complicated for the past few weeks. Drama, Drama, Drama. I'd like to get away from all of it. I'm overwhelmed with school, so much to do. I need to focus on school, and just school. Like that'll happen. I get destracted a lot. So-- I'm job hunting. I DESPERATELY NEED A JOB. A paying one of course. I'd love an internship... that'd be awesome. BUT, I need pay. Today was boring and too much to handle. I'm going to take a nap. I'll write later.

Judged?

Just forget this post.

Hospital

So, It's day 2 at the Psych unit. I don't know exactly how I feel -- more of a blank feel. I have Bronchitis also. I sound like a loud screaming animal. I feel like my "friends" aren't exactly caring... But, I guess that's good for the future because I won't give them what they don't deserve anymore. (A good friend) I know I can get better. I just wish people would show up during visiting hours. I just watch everyones friends and family come. Noble Hospital isn't as nice as Parker North was. Golly, I just need my life back. I decided that I am going to save up more money now so I can get a better car. There's a lady here, I feel really bad. I think she has an eating disorder of some sort from her ex-husband. I wish she could get better. She gets sick after she eats pretty much every time. Men... SUCK. I can't talk well because of the Bronchitis... It's hard because I want to express my feelings more. I don't know. This will pass.

No school, Again

I'm an honor roll student. Besides my shop. What kind of teacher talks behind her students backs TO OTHER STUDENTS. I really wonder what she says about me. Because I could give that lady a mouth full. She seriously needs to learn about respect. This is the real world, not some make-believe talk shit about whoever kind of world. I'm so depressed right now. I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed. Gosh, What am I supposed to do? Concealed to this little house, I have nothing to do here. I'm so stuck on to the past. Everyone tells me to just let it go. I TRY, I REALLY DO. Do people not see that I'm trying? Because I'm putting a hell of a lot of effort into it. I bend over back just to let go of the people who meant the most to me, everyone walks away because they can't understand. I'm tired of people thinking it's effortless going through what I go through. You know, try being me for a day. Live through my whole life and tell me your happy. I seriously wish people would understand more. I feel so sick of it, I don't even want to eat. I can't, my body is just not in that state of mind. I've lost someone so important to me, I can't even bare to think about it. It brings me to tears every time I think about how I went wrong. You know, I sure didn't go that wrong because I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm going to be successful and I'm going to show all of them... I may seem weak inside but I'll be one of the most strong adults they've ever seen. I'm going to 18 and I feel like I'm already 30 they way I think. I want someone to be by my side who can actually know where I'm coming from. Gosh, when will this end?

Trichotillomania

IS HELL.


In other words, every person with it has a STORY and within that story are the seeds.


GOSH, How I could go on forever.

I'm falling, falling, and falling

It's about time I've listened to my iPod. My anxiety reached the top today, my depression was so intense. I remember being 9 years old... I was at the mall with some family or friends. I was walking past the glass where you can look down to the next floor and imagined if I jumped off. Ever since, I have never walked on that side. I see that image of jumping every time. My therapist says thats typical for someone with OCD. Today was more of an inner struggle that I hid from everyone around me. I visited a private school today, I had a campus visit. It was so incredibly nice -- too bad my mom won't support me. Well after that intense session of anxiety someone close to me got in a car crash. These things just never stop. There's always a problem in my life. I hate the way I think, I REALLY do. Some people would call me crazy and others would say I'm completely sane. I'm like a 30 year old 17 year old. I can talk to older people and they're completely comfortable talking to me like any other person. I know that it's not because I make myself seem older -- but it's because people like to confide in others who can relate to the struggles faced my whom ever. I think I want to meet someone who wonders all the same things I do... Like about life. That would be a miracle. My problems wouldn't haunt me so much. Well, Sorry I couldn't write better. Babbling happens when I'm exhausted! I'll write tomorrow.

I'll always keep my head up

Lately -- I've been taking a lot of crap from a lot of people. It's like their goal is to bring me down, to dig a whole and put me down low. I'm fighting on a battlefield all by myself and it's taking a hell of a long time. From now on, I'm going to do things for myself. Today my mother was extremely disrespectful which of course isn't unusual. I'm tired of the words that she throws at me without caring about my feelings. Her words are so harsh, I can barely believe they are actually coming from her mouth. I'm an hour away from home, and I wish it could stay like that but HA like that would never happen. I'm glad to have my friends back that have apologized for completely misunderstanding me. As for the ones who keep throwing dirt in my face -- Oh well, their loss. I'm not going to let them walk all over me. I'll keep a smile on my face and never drown in their misery. I'll write a little later.

STRESS, NOTHING BUT STRESS!

I haven't been paid yet... still. THIS WHOLE CAR THING IS DRIVING ME NUTS! BUT -- When I want something this bad, I don't give up. I can't wait until the day I can just walk away from my mother when she's putting me down. Sometimes I feel I should be the parent in this house. After all I've been through, I think it's about time I get a car and start doing things for myself! Because they won't get done if I don't start doing so. I really want to go to a boarding school next year for mentally challenged teens but my mother won't support me at all. I'm trying SO hard to get on my feet. I think I'm going to e-mail someone from one of the schools because there is no way I can get there on my own. I'm confident in saying that I can get over this, even though it is extremely difficult. I don't know how I'm going to do any of this YET, but I'll get back to you! :) I'll write later!

Untitled...

I quit my job. I'm super depressed lately and my suicide thoughts are coming back slowly. I've been having a lot of headaches and dizziness takes over once in a while. WHY ME? I'm so tired of this being sad, ocd, depression, anxiety. I wish I didn't know what any of them meant. I'll write more tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, maybe even the next. I'm in no mood to do this.

JUST JUMP-RUN-OPEN!

Alright -- My new neighbors are HORRIBLE. I called the police and a male about 28 got arrested for kicking the door down and smashing car windows. It's supposed to be safe here...

-Anyway, more about the OCD.

I need to stop:

1. Hair pulling

2. Door checking

3. Locking doors

4. Laundry washing

5. Killing myself thoughts/what if's & overdose

6. Kitchen knife visions

7. Bad thoughts about driving off the road

8. Confusion about religion/life on earth

9. I NEED TO STOP THINKING LIKE I DO.

Thoughts are thoughts, they're not real! I need help to overcome this, I need a lot. Mostly from myself, I need to be more determined to get over this. I will, with time. "Time heals everything" -Remember that one. The hair pulling is driving me off the wall. OFF THE WALL! It's been 7 years and I still do it, more than ever.

What do I mean by "killing myself thoughts/what if's & Overdose? Last summer, I was very close to overdosing on my medication because I was so severely suffering with my OCD. It's a pain, a big pain. DON'T EVER OVERDOSE. "killing myself thoughts" It's often that people with OCD see themselves killing another or even themselves. For me - It's myself. I have visions in my mind of killing myself. "JUMP-RUN-OPEN" I have had thoughts about... Jumping of bridges, opening car doors and jumping out, running in front of cars while they drive by, and a many, many more.

While I was hospitalized I was more depressed than I thought was even possible. My thoughts were so intruding... Thoughts that came to mind were "Why not die now, life is all too predictable." I was extremely terrified by my thoughts. I was scared I was actually going to kill myself. I made friends at the facility that I still talk to today! Making friends who have issues and problems just like yours helps so much! I recommend to anyone -- if your OCD is as bad as I have explained, the facility is so welcoming... they help A LOT. If you have any questions, just message or comment below. Thanks for reading. :)

Why

It's so beautiful outside today, not a cloud in sight... On the other hand -- I'm exhausted... I didn't fall asleep until 5 this morning. I forgot to take my medication yesterday & today so, I'm a moody one. I'm so sick of a lot of things but I just have to cope. I can't wait to start working next weekend... BUT -- My OCD is killing me... it truly is. WHY ME? I hate the way I think, it's horrible. Yesterday while driving I was terrified. All I could imagine was a tall man in a black coat walking in front of the car with a gun. My mind runs non-stop. It never gives me a break. What will it take? I miss life when it was easy and it was care free living. I don't know... I'm going to go do some research on a bunch of stuff. Even though that will make my mind run more -- I need answers.

And I'm back just 2 minutes later...

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND.

http://blog.cleveland.com/health/2009/02/cleveland_clinictested_device.html

WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!??!