I'm back, ehh. I've been off the Anti-depressant for almost a month. I have been doing so well. So happy. Until YESTERDAY. It feels like I did in the start. EVERYTHING.
I'm terrified.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Exhaustion...
Am I the only person who can't sleep? I don't fall asleep before 3 every morning. I refuse to take the medication that "makes you sleep"... More like -- Makes you pass out for 24 hours and pretty much makes you miss a big test at school, Been there... Done that!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
And the hell never ends...
Homeless, Scared and Depressed. Today it's HOT. I have officially reached rock bottom. I feel like I could cry for days and days non-stop. I haven't. My mother had dropped me off at a friends, and now is reporting me as a runaway. She won't win because she let me go. I'm scared to live with her. I hate their drugs, I hate her husband, and want to be happy. Everyone who does drugs has a little something wrong with them! Open your eyes, this is your one life and you want to live it like that? Ha... RIDICULOUS! It's too hot to do anything but swim. I miss my friends, and I miss the life I had when I was ... wait, I don't even remember being happy. My life memories consist of sadness and family drug problems. ALWAYS DRAMA. I've been asking for support and help, It's been falling through. WHEN WILL MY LIFE STOP BEING SO BITTER. I can't even describe how I feel right now, I can't write anymore. Goodbye.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I wish I may
Like a needle getting stuck on an old record, OCD causes my brain to get stuck on one thought, and drive me insane.
I WISH:
Things weren't so complicated.
I was a lot prettier.
My parents cared more.
I wasn't depressed.
My father wasn't a drug addict.
I was more artistic.
People wouldn't judge so much.
I wasn't the one and only -- Cronin.
I had money.
This world made sense.
My mom and her husband didn't smoke weed.
I had a good job.
People could understand me more.
I had more support.
He didn't walk away.
I had a life.
I lived far away from here.
Life would be simple.
School wasn't so important.
I could sing.
The president could save us all.
There were better options for depression.
.... I have too many wishes.
FML.
Today, I feel useless. Like I should go on a long walk, But I feel too ugly to leave this house. When ever I'm in public I feel like the world is staring at me. Like every person has awful opinions. That's why I think this world is so messed up. SCREWED UP.
That's alright, Everything's alright...
WHAT?
EFFEXOR-
A number of children, teenagers, and young adults (up to 24 years of age) who took antidepressants ('mood elevators') such as venlafaxine during clinical studies became suicidal (thinking about harming or killing oneself or planning or trying to do so). Children, teenagers, and young adults who take antidepressants to treat depression or other mental illnesses may be more likely to become suicidal than children, teenagers, and young adults who do not take antidepressants to treat these conditions. However, experts are not sure about how great this risk is and how much it should be considered in deciding whether a child or teenager should take an antidepressant. Children younger than 18 years of age should not normally take venlafaxine, but in some cases, a doctor may decide that venlafaxine is the best medication to treat a child's condition.
FUCKYOUPSYCHIATRIST.
Venlafaxine may cause side effects. Call your doctor if any of the following symptoms are severe or do not go away:
drowsiness ✓
weakness or tiredness ✓
dizziness ✓
headache ✓
nightmares ✓
nausea ✓
vomiting ✓
dry mouth
change in ability to taste food
loss of appetite ✓
weight loss ✓
uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
pain, burning, numbness, or tingling in part of the body
muscle tightness
yawning
hot flashes or flushing
sore throat, chills, or other signs of infection
ringing in the ears
changes in sexual desire or ability
enlarged pupils (black circles in the middle of the eyes)
DIZZINESS ✓✓✓✓✓
A number of children, teenagers, and young adults (up to 24 years of age) who took antidepressants ('mood elevators') such as venlafaxine during clinical studies became suicidal (thinking about harming or killing oneself or planning or trying to do so). Children, teenagers, and young adults who take antidepressants to treat depression or other mental illnesses may be more likely to become suicidal than children, teenagers, and young adults who do not take antidepressants to treat these conditions. However, experts are not sure about how great this risk is and how much it should be considered in deciding whether a child or teenager should take an antidepressant. Children younger than 18 years of age should not normally take venlafaxine, but in some cases, a doctor may decide that venlafaxine is the best medication to treat a child's condition.
FUCKYOUPSYCHIATRIST.
Venlafaxine may cause side effects. Call your doctor if any of the following symptoms are severe or do not go away:
drowsiness ✓
weakness or tiredness ✓
dizziness ✓
headache ✓
nightmares ✓
nausea ✓
vomiting ✓
dry mouth
change in ability to taste food
loss of appetite ✓
weight loss ✓
uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
pain, burning, numbness, or tingling in part of the body
muscle tightness
yawning
hot flashes or flushing
sore throat, chills, or other signs of infection
ringing in the ears
changes in sexual desire or ability
enlarged pupils (black circles in the middle of the eyes)
DIZZINESS ✓✓✓✓✓
Friday, July 2, 2010
TODAY
WAS A GOOD DAY. Fishing is such a relaxing thing to do. Though, I went with Brent and a friend. It wasn't so bad. I never catch anything big in that lake though. I'm glad I have freedom now, I feel less held back. I'm totally stressing over getting a car and driving school. I'm going to have to bum rides off my parents when I get to HCC in September. At least until January.
Well, I don't have much to say today... Feeling a little sick.
Going to talk to my doctor about getting off the meds.I'm not sure it's a good idea or not...
Well, I don't have much to say today... Feeling a little sick.
Going to talk to my doctor about getting off the meds.I'm not sure it's a good idea or not...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Everything happens for a reason...
Well, I have to say my anxiety is kicking in a lot. It's not really a bad thing this time because it's just me being nervous over stupid stuff. I almost stayed home alone tonight... I'm too scared to have a repeat of one night last year. Completely had a mental breakdown, I hate thinking about that night. I want a good friend, someone to run to when I need to talk. Someone who knows where I'm coming from. So much, that they almost know what I'm thinking. I'd love a friend that could help keep my head held up. There's only a few people who I could see myself confiding in. They're just not close people.
Going to HCC in September is going to be AWESOME. That is if these essays get in ha. I love writing though, it's one of my hidden hobbies. OK -- enough babbling. Good night :)
Going to HCC in September is going to be AWESOME. That is if these essays get in ha. I love writing though, it's one of my hidden hobbies. OK -- enough babbling. Good night :)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
What am I.... Not good enough?
I didn't get into Stoneleigh-Burnham School...
After ALL of that AND I DIDN'T GET IN! He made me drive all the way there again so he could say "You're amazing, you have a great head on your shoulders... I wish you came to us four years ago" -- BUT YOU DIDN'T GET IN BECAUSE YOUR TOO OLD.
GRR.
On to the next option, Community College.
After ALL of that AND I DIDN'T GET IN! He made me drive all the way there again so he could say "You're amazing, you have a great head on your shoulders... I wish you came to us four years ago" -- BUT YOU DIDN'T GET IN BECAUSE YOUR TOO OLD.
GRR.
On to the next option, Community College.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wish it was raining
Monday, June 7, 2010
Aarg.
This Trich Disorder is driving me off the wall today. It's NON-STOP. ALL DAY... URG. Life has been so complicated for the past few weeks. Drama, Drama, Drama. I'd like to get away from all of it. I'm overwhelmed with school, so much to do. I need to focus on school, and just school. Like that'll happen. I get destracted a lot. So-- I'm job hunting. I DESPERATELY NEED A JOB. A paying one of course. I'd love an internship... that'd be awesome. BUT, I need pay. Today was boring and too much to handle. I'm going to take a nap. I'll write later.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Hospital
So, It's day 2 at the Psych unit. I don't know exactly how I feel -- more of a blank feel. I have Bronchitis also. I sound like a loud screaming animal. I feel like my "friends" aren't exactly caring... But, I guess that's good for the future because I won't give them what they don't deserve anymore. (A good friend) I know I can get better. I just wish people would show up during visiting hours. I just watch everyones friends and family come. Noble Hospital isn't as nice as Parker North was. Golly, I just need my life back. I decided that I am going to save up more money now so I can get a better car. There's a lady here, I feel really bad. I think she has an eating disorder of some sort from her ex-husband. I wish she could get better. She gets sick after she eats pretty much every time. Men... SUCK. I can't talk well because of the Bronchitis... It's hard because I want to express my feelings more. I don't know. This will pass.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
No school, Again
I'm an honor roll student. Besides my shop. What kind of teacher talks behind her students backs TO OTHER STUDENTS. I really wonder what she says about me. Because I could give that lady a mouth full. She seriously needs to learn about respect. This is the real world, not some make-believe talk shit about whoever kind of world. I'm so depressed right now. I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed. Gosh, What am I supposed to do? Concealed to this little house, I have nothing to do here. I'm so stuck on to the past. Everyone tells me to just let it go. I TRY, I REALLY DO. Do people not see that I'm trying? Because I'm putting a hell of a lot of effort into it. I bend over back just to let go of the people who meant the most to me, everyone walks away because they can't understand. I'm tired of people thinking it's effortless going through what I go through. You know, try being me for a day. Live through my whole life and tell me your happy. I seriously wish people would understand more. I feel so sick of it, I don't even want to eat. I can't, my body is just not in that state of mind. I've lost someone so important to me, I can't even bare to think about it. It brings me to tears every time I think about how I went wrong. You know, I sure didn't go that wrong because I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm going to be successful and I'm going to show all of them... I may seem weak inside but I'll be one of the most strong adults they've ever seen. I'm going to 18 and I feel like I'm already 30 they way I think. I want someone to be by my side who can actually know where I'm coming from. Gosh, when will this end?
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